Well, I have been reading a lot of gen x articles today, I don't know I guess trying to logically figure out my issues in a way that justifies my feelings, and I think there was some good stuff I need to read out there which applies. There is also some comfort in the fact that I can understand the frustrations with my Dad baby boomer and my sister Gen Y as similar generations, with Gen X stuck in the middle between both generations as well as the frustration with my career prior to leaving in middle management. I don't know I kind of feel like the fight is fleeting from trying to push everything forward and stable in every situation. Maybe there is peace with living in the moment. Gen X always has back up plans, so I read, I guess it is true, that is why I have taken this state job, because I wanted to make sure I had income if the business fails. My Dad nor my sisters ever have back up plans, so I feel vindicated. It seemed there was a constant across many Gen X's wanting to pursue Entrepreneurial aspirations, I have the same feelings, I have done that sort of with this Franchise, hopefully it is successful but if not, I think I would be okay with it. Maybe I would build a webpage for my wife's clay art and try to sell and market it online. I feel some confirmation that leaving the corporate world behind was the right move, and although I have less than 25% of my original income, I do have more personal time. I guess knowing I am not alone in these feelings sort of releases the trigger of built up anger and discontent.
Every generation has struggles, at some point we have to come to grips with it. I don't know I feel kind of peaceful right now after reading the many Gen X bloggers talking about their frustrations. I have two folders I'm supposed to be working on right now, which would take me about 15 minutes to complete, but I still have 2.5 hours of work left, so I'll get to it when I can maybe after I go back to the harvard business site and read more posts. I know I'm educated enough to be successful in whatever I really want to do or opportunities that present themselves, but maybe I just need to take a few years off from the depression burden of trying so hard. Wow that does not sound like me, but it is nice to say.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Tuesday 12/16/09
Purchased a six pack last night, had 3 beers, 3 bean burritos, and a entire pumpkin pie. Passed out on the couch about 6p, slept until 5:45a, this morning and now at work, still tired. My stomach was cramping last night like a mother fucker. There is a holiday party today at work which I am dreading to be a part of, I was supposed to bring a vegetable tray, but I am going to pretend like I forgot it was today, because I really did not want to spend $10 on food for people I don't really care about, fuck I cannot even purchase Christmas gifts for my family why the fuck would I want to buy food for people who work for the state. My wife was in a good mood this morning although she thought she was getting sick. She is simple, did not go to college, yet does not usually complain about many things, usually if she gets down, its because I'm down, how fucked up is that? We have been married for 13 or more years, I forget, she was the 2nd person I ever dated, I was conflicted at the time I proposed, because I did not feel I had enough personal time to really date anyone, so I needed to settle for the person that was willing to stick by me in tough times. Fuck when I was going to UT we lived together, and I only saw her for about 15 minutes a day in the morning, the rest of the time I was at work and school. When I started going to graduate school there was about an hour a day we saw each other, and then when I graduated I felt I went into a deep depression drinking more beer, then half bottle of vodka, then full bottle of vodka, then 1/4 bottle of whiskey then half bottle of whiskey. I wanted to check out mentally when I got home, because I was spending more and more time with my wife and the verbal banter was overwhelming dull and mind numbing. Started smoking cigars then a pipe. I know these addictions cannot be healthy, but what is the alternative? Having an anxiety attack? When I was making $1200/wk I was buying a lot of things that I thought made me happy, yeah its typical so fucking what, I did it. I bought the best couch, 2 flat panel LCD's, fucking $2,500 amp, $1,500 speakers, yada yada yada. Then when I started the franchise I had to begin selling all of these things, my car was repossessed, I still owe $11k even after they sold it, carmax calls me everyday, but I have them in my directory so I know when to avoid the call. Is this a temporary feeling of despair, probably, but I remember even when I was going to ACC in my english class writing similar feelings, and even as far back as sophmore in highschool when I was hiding a spiral notebook in my school work where I wrote about depression and despair and the fear that I got my first girlfriend pregnant, yeah she was a freak and freaky. Smoking a cigar at my work for lunch is economical its kinda like drinking in the middle of the day, because it allows you to sort of check out, but people who don't smoke don't understand so it is acceptable. I've never done any drugs outside of alcohol and smoking, if I was a social person, I probably would have met someone who knew how to get drugs, and I am confident that I would be a drug addict, so I try to keep those type of people out of my life for the sake of my own personal well-being. Yeah that's really helped me, I guess.
Since I'm new to blogging I started to search Gen X blogs, and of course I come across all the same politically correct speak on the lost generation babel, fuck the police. I love rage against the machine. It's disgusting that so many people by so many useless things for Christmas it makes me want to throw up, especially when I remember the good feelings I felt when I purchased things. Buying things was like a high, it gave me excitement and fulfillment that all my hard work was paying off, now look at me, fucking broke I made lunch today for work, 1 HEB fucking shit ass coke (diet), and 2 pieces of bread with one bologna type meat in the middle, with no mayo or mustard wrapped in foil because the foil is reusable unlock zip lock bags which are twice the price.
When you step outside of the flow of routine and capitalistic ritual it is chaos, what if you don't pay all your bills, what if you don't involve yourself in every social gathering, what if you don't have a social networking page, what if you are 3 months late on your mortgage, what if you only have 1 car, what if you don't mow your fucking lawn every weekend, what if you loose all aspirations to move up with in your company, what if no one knows your fucking name, what if you have absolutely no fucking influence on anyone around you?
I used to be the one that did everything no else wanted to do at work. Never called in, felt bad using vacation, stayed left arrived early, cleaned the refrigerator, did extra work that I was not accountable for, was innovative even when it caused me to sacrifice personal time. Fuck all that! That gets you only deeper into the routine and then finally your so overwhelmed that you have to let it all go and then you are working for the state in a dead end job that only pays you once a month. Now I use every sick day I get, I arrive early only because my wife has to drop me off, I fucking screw off on the computer with this fucking blog, I pretend to forget about today's fucking holiday bazaar or gathering or whatever, I isolate myself from fucking cubicle drama. But I still feel a need to be the best at my work?? Why?
Since I'm new to blogging I started to search Gen X blogs, and of course I come across all the same politically correct speak on the lost generation babel, fuck the police. I love rage against the machine. It's disgusting that so many people by so many useless things for Christmas it makes me want to throw up, especially when I remember the good feelings I felt when I purchased things. Buying things was like a high, it gave me excitement and fulfillment that all my hard work was paying off, now look at me, fucking broke I made lunch today for work, 1 HEB fucking shit ass coke (diet), and 2 pieces of bread with one bologna type meat in the middle, with no mayo or mustard wrapped in foil because the foil is reusable unlock zip lock bags which are twice the price.
When you step outside of the flow of routine and capitalistic ritual it is chaos, what if you don't pay all your bills, what if you don't involve yourself in every social gathering, what if you don't have a social networking page, what if you are 3 months late on your mortgage, what if you only have 1 car, what if you don't mow your fucking lawn every weekend, what if you loose all aspirations to move up with in your company, what if no one knows your fucking name, what if you have absolutely no fucking influence on anyone around you?
I used to be the one that did everything no else wanted to do at work. Never called in, felt bad using vacation, stayed left arrived early, cleaned the refrigerator, did extra work that I was not accountable for, was innovative even when it caused me to sacrifice personal time. Fuck all that! That gets you only deeper into the routine and then finally your so overwhelmed that you have to let it all go and then you are working for the state in a dead end job that only pays you once a month. Now I use every sick day I get, I arrive early only because my wife has to drop me off, I fucking screw off on the computer with this fucking blog, I pretend to forget about today's fucking holiday bazaar or gathering or whatever, I isolate myself from fucking cubicle drama. But I still feel a need to be the best at my work?? Why?
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Is there anyone else like me?
Just a thought, the odds are that there is someone almost identical in thought process, maybe a different culture, language, ethnicity, but surely there is someone out there that has the same feelings about the situation I have been in. How can I possibly be unique and special with among billions of other human beings. Now I am thinking about the possiblity that someone else in this world might actually read this, and I am thinking about what I could say to have this make sense and form some type of final thought or conculsion that wraps up nicely, maybe a book deal, or magazine article to highlight that my issues are not unique, but then why would it be published..fuck! I have met many people that are happy and most of the time they are very simple human beings, older, no ambition or future foresight, no planning, just now. Is living in the now, do what is in front of you get into a mindless routine happiness? Is freedom boring? Mundane is boring challenging task is a quick fix for the gen x, can I represent the gen x? FUck no, I'm just me, raised in the 80's but in a religion that did not allow us to watch TV or listen to the radio until I started going to highschool in the late 90's. Still, did not have much interest in TV or radio, played a little basketball and went to school had one friend in California while I was being homeschooled and my father was a pastor. If someone read my blogs and knew who I was they would be completely freak out. I have it together, I'm smart, confident, friendly, interactive, got it together, polite, help people, willing to help, stable, good husband, good brother, great son. Can you ever really share your true self with your family, you don't want to worry them, I don't want to worry them. I'm thinking..cool maybe, this is good shit, maybe a publisher will stumble across my blog and want to publish..what the fuck, I am not that important, my thoughts are not that great!!!!! FUck what is wrong with me, when I type fuck I type it fast so it capitalizes U. Haha get the hint. I'm tired. ooh that is so poetic, its not, its just my thoughts as I think them. I used to do something like this when I went to ACC, yeah I went to a community college, but when I apply for jobs I don't put that on my resume, because I went to 2 major universities and I am smart. What, fucking be honest. I titled my blog Gen X Reflections, because I feel I am too young to be reflecting, but I also feel there is a battle in my personality between the success as a young adult through the early 2000 years to the complete depression of 2009, surely that means a change is on the horizon right? I'm luck my parents and family are all well and healthy, but I feel I have missed what every elderly expereienced person says is most important the human connection. I checked out all through highschool, college, and graduate years and now in my personal life. I don't want to mingle, or go to the cube next to mine and spark a conversation. I just want to be me, but me is not happy e.g. the blog.
so what I am fucking posting again.
It's 3:05p, only 55min until I get to go home. I re-read my previous post..yep that's about it!..haha. I do want to aspire to be someone and be recognized, but what are the chances, at what point is it just okay to have a job and have money to pay for neccessities. I know I'm not alone, but everyone is so concerned with appearances, social life, blogging, twittering, fucking facebooking, texting, emailing, fFFFFFFFFUCCKKKKKKK. I'm not good in a crowd or initating contact and conversatino it is uncomfortable, read my other post fucker. I never learned how to and now I do not want to be apart of a group, team, function, division, section, party, ballalahaahalkjasdf;. I have to piss.
12/15/2009 - Monday
Excuse me my phone is ringing for a creditor is trying to reach me. Okay, now back to my thought process. I am a first born, 1979 of November, raised by two wonderful parents, both did not go to college, 2 younger sisters 23 and 26..I think? Raised in a Pentecostal church, afraid of what my family would think if they read this blog, try to stay anonymous in my typing, but need background so that there is some logic to who I am and what I write. At a state job..sucks, someone said we are "Cube Monkeys." I got my B.S. degrees from UT in Biology and a M.B.A. from Saint Edwards, because I thought that is what I was suppossed to do to be, can't spell supossed, supposed, the American dream. What is it? Go to school, build a career, have a stable relationship, marriage, 2 kids, house, 2 cars. I gave up a 13 year career making $90k/year in October of 2008..yeah the economy took a nose dive. But I am smarter than most people, I am special, I am making a smart deciiosn, when should I move on to the next paragraph?
Dad, unstable, hope he does not read this, break his heart. What is poetry, how can I make money of this blog, is there anyone else out there like me, do I feel the therapy working? Tired all the time, ususlly upset and sarcastic with co-workers. Opened a franchise in 2009, continous stress---MUST BE COMPLETELY HONEST and OPEN! I invested my 401k and lost $30k, yes all of it in the market, told people I made money, did not tell my dad who thoguhyt I put it in the business. Worst decision I have ever made, am I paying the price now, my dad was a preacher minister, pastor, religion, I stopped going to Church when I was young UPC a cult in California, felt like I was mislead. My science background gave me attention to detail and understand evolution, biology and science and physical changes at the molecular/genetic level is extremely interesting. What is God, supreme being, if I don't go to Church am I a bad person, setting up my future for failure, or simply taking on the burden of the world while having a God allows others to dump it on a 3rd party? I don't know, I don't give a shit I'm 30, I got 50 years left and then its over. I working for the state in a job I hate, pouring my $2700 into the business and asking my Dad (who got me into this mess) for an extra $3000 every month in order to keep it open. I thought I would not be a failure like my Dad, but yet here I am self-important with an ego, 2 degrees, and sitting in a cubicle typing a blog on the state's dime..fuck the state job, fuck you.
Tired. I looked up anti-depressant, anti-medication but I don't have medical coverage yet. Is that the end of my story, am I done? I was home schooled until sophmore in highschool moved to Baton Rouge Lousiana from California, who thought that was a smart decision? My dad. After a year of getting beat up and look down upon I turned to education as the escape. It rained 360 days a year.. hard rain, hard black people racist. Moved to Austin, getting personal, should I continue, who would I share this with? Personal/Confidential. Junior and Senior year highschool, met and got to know 1 person. Ate lunch by myself in the bathroom stalls and isolated room in the library that required security access, I requested it so that I could be alone in the room with the one IBM green screen computer. Dated a fucking crazy girl, good sex at 15, allowed me to escape. Did okay in school, but I thought I was a genius. Did not wear grundge or fit in any clicks..its okay..who cares about them anyways. Graduated did not know anyone, girlfriend moved away. I was told must get your degree then you will have it made. Accepted to UT (close one) pride in family and worked full-time and went to school full-time, yeah I thought I was the only one. Hated life, never any sleep, found ephedra, stay up multiple days, coffee, late nights, black outs, found my wife at my job. Why am I saying all this fuck you..I blowing time.. need to get blown. I got a fucking headache. Wife just texted me, I do love her, she is the best thing I have. I love my family, I'm just not happy. Why?
No friends from school, after U.T. went to Saint Edwards to get my MBA, I thought this would make me successful, graduated make good money at my 13 year retail grocery store, afraid to name it, people will know who I am..fuck them! HEB Bitches. FUck the filters, fuck you! Was not happy at that job doing mundane things, I am better than that I am special 2 degrees to check prices talk about stupid things like symmetry of signs and colorful produce. Store manager at 28, okay 2nd store manager, so what. Bussines political speak, fun, exchange of ideas theory philospophy fun. Why a product is out of stock in the warehouse not FUN! Dad was struggling, left his job, out of work proposed opening a franchise, left my job to do that full time and no money. Living off my wife income of $26k year, that sucks. Sell everything, okay almost everything, I don't eat lunch at work still 210lbs, trying to save change for food. Dad asks is everything okay? FUCK NO its not okay, you got me into this mother fucking mess, over $500k in debt from SBA loan, franchise fucking fees, tenat rent, $30k in credit cards, Citi is sueing me, $30k in school loans, over due, claiming financial inability to pay everything, fucking 10 creditors calling me a day mulitple phone numbers, I don't answer for the phone unless they are in my directory. I do have a job. Fuck yolanda or joann who ever is sitting across from laughing at some mundane bullshit on email with your fat fucking self, shut the fuck up. Earphones in my ears with no music to block out the fucking cubicle jabber between employees talking about there stupid mundane issues with their job, fucking quit then aspire to something. Need to file for bankruptcy..when?
Dad, unstable, hope he does not read this, break his heart. What is poetry, how can I make money of this blog, is there anyone else out there like me, do I feel the therapy working? Tired all the time, ususlly upset and sarcastic with co-workers. Opened a franchise in 2009, continous stress---MUST BE COMPLETELY HONEST and OPEN! I invested my 401k and lost $30k, yes all of it in the market, told people I made money, did not tell my dad who thoguhyt I put it in the business. Worst decision I have ever made, am I paying the price now, my dad was a preacher minister, pastor, religion, I stopped going to Church when I was young UPC a cult in California, felt like I was mislead. My science background gave me attention to detail and understand evolution, biology and science and physical changes at the molecular/genetic level is extremely interesting. What is God, supreme being, if I don't go to Church am I a bad person, setting up my future for failure, or simply taking on the burden of the world while having a God allows others to dump it on a 3rd party? I don't know, I don't give a shit I'm 30, I got 50 years left and then its over. I working for the state in a job I hate, pouring my $2700 into the business and asking my Dad (who got me into this mess) for an extra $3000 every month in order to keep it open. I thought I would not be a failure like my Dad, but yet here I am self-important with an ego, 2 degrees, and sitting in a cubicle typing a blog on the state's dime..fuck the state job, fuck you.
Tired. I looked up anti-depressant, anti-medication but I don't have medical coverage yet. Is that the end of my story, am I done? I was home schooled until sophmore in highschool moved to Baton Rouge Lousiana from California, who thought that was a smart decision? My dad. After a year of getting beat up and look down upon I turned to education as the escape. It rained 360 days a year.. hard rain, hard black people racist. Moved to Austin, getting personal, should I continue, who would I share this with? Personal/Confidential. Junior and Senior year highschool, met and got to know 1 person. Ate lunch by myself in the bathroom stalls and isolated room in the library that required security access, I requested it so that I could be alone in the room with the one IBM green screen computer. Dated a fucking crazy girl, good sex at 15, allowed me to escape. Did okay in school, but I thought I was a genius. Did not wear grundge or fit in any clicks..its okay..who cares about them anyways. Graduated did not know anyone, girlfriend moved away. I was told must get your degree then you will have it made. Accepted to UT (close one) pride in family and worked full-time and went to school full-time, yeah I thought I was the only one. Hated life, never any sleep, found ephedra, stay up multiple days, coffee, late nights, black outs, found my wife at my job. Why am I saying all this fuck you..I blowing time.. need to get blown. I got a fucking headache. Wife just texted me, I do love her, she is the best thing I have. I love my family, I'm just not happy. Why?
No friends from school, after U.T. went to Saint Edwards to get my MBA, I thought this would make me successful, graduated make good money at my 13 year retail grocery store, afraid to name it, people will know who I am..fuck them! HEB Bitches. FUck the filters, fuck you! Was not happy at that job doing mundane things, I am better than that I am special 2 degrees to check prices talk about stupid things like symmetry of signs and colorful produce. Store manager at 28, okay 2nd store manager, so what. Bussines political speak, fun, exchange of ideas theory philospophy fun. Why a product is out of stock in the warehouse not FUN! Dad was struggling, left his job, out of work proposed opening a franchise, left my job to do that full time and no money. Living off my wife income of $26k year, that sucks. Sell everything, okay almost everything, I don't eat lunch at work still 210lbs, trying to save change for food. Dad asks is everything okay? FUCK NO its not okay, you got me into this mother fucking mess, over $500k in debt from SBA loan, franchise fucking fees, tenat rent, $30k in credit cards, Citi is sueing me, $30k in school loans, over due, claiming financial inability to pay everything, fucking 10 creditors calling me a day mulitple phone numbers, I don't answer for the phone unless they are in my directory. I do have a job. Fuck yolanda or joann who ever is sitting across from laughing at some mundane bullshit on email with your fat fucking self, shut the fuck up. Earphones in my ears with no music to block out the fucking cubicle jabber between employees talking about there stupid mundane issues with their job, fucking quit then aspire to something. Need to file for bankruptcy..when?
Today I don't give a shit
Well, I never really thought much about blogging, but here it goes. I struggle with the idea that I am like many others out there think I am self-important enough that everyone will want to be read my blog. SO, I'm going to make a stand at the delusional idea that I will be different, by conforming to a few rules:
1. I will only have a first draft on my blog, no revisions, or contemplation of what I am writing but simply a continuous thought of the here and now. I may misspell a few words or miss a few letters in my typing, but I will type fast with the hope that my message is plain and without obstruction. Tying to avoid the confusion of reflection, the moment I feel something it will be translated immediately to my blog in the words I type.
2. The purpose of this blog is to substitute therapy..that's right I said it, I think everyone has issues and to thy self be true. Fuck you, so I did not put it in quotes or look up who said it.
3. I don't know..let's see how the rest of this blog goes
1. I will only have a first draft on my blog, no revisions, or contemplation of what I am writing but simply a continuous thought of the here and now. I may misspell a few words or miss a few letters in my typing, but I will type fast with the hope that my message is plain and without obstruction. Tying to avoid the confusion of reflection, the moment I feel something it will be translated immediately to my blog in the words I type.
2. The purpose of this blog is to substitute therapy..that's right I said it, I think everyone has issues and to thy self be true. Fuck you, so I did not put it in quotes or look up who said it.
3. I don't know..let's see how the rest of this blog goes
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