Tuesday 12/16/09

Purchased a six pack last night, had 3 beers, 3 bean burritos, and a entire pumpkin pie. Passed out on the couch about 6p, slept until 5:45a, this morning and now at work, still tired. My stomach was cramping last night like a mother fucker. There is a holiday party today at work which I am dreading to be a part of, I was supposed to bring a vegetable tray, but I am going to pretend like I forgot it was today, because I really did not want to spend $10 on food for people I don't really care about, fuck I cannot even purchase Christmas gifts for my family why the fuck would I want to buy food for people who work for the state. My wife was in a good mood this morning although she thought she was getting sick. She is simple, did not go to college, yet does not usually complain about many things, usually if she gets down, its because I'm down, how fucked up is that? We have been married for 13 or more years, I forget, she was the 2nd person I ever dated, I was conflicted at the time I proposed, because I did not feel I had enough personal time to really date anyone, so I needed to settle for the person that was willing to stick by me in tough times. Fuck when I was going to UT we lived together, and I only saw her for about 15 minutes a day in the morning, the rest of the time I was at work and school. When I started going to graduate school there was about an hour a day we saw each other, and then when I graduated I felt I went into a deep depression drinking more beer, then half bottle of vodka, then full bottle of vodka, then 1/4 bottle of whiskey then half bottle of whiskey. I wanted to check out mentally when I got home, because I was spending more and more time with my wife and the verbal banter was overwhelming dull and mind numbing. Started smoking cigars then a pipe. I know these addictions cannot be healthy, but what is the alternative? Having an anxiety attack? When I was making $1200/wk I was buying a lot of things that I thought made me happy, yeah its typical so fucking what, I did it. I bought the best couch, 2 flat panel LCD's, fucking $2,500 amp, $1,500 speakers, yada yada yada. Then when I started the franchise I had to begin selling all of these things, my car was repossessed, I still owe $11k even after they sold it, carmax calls me everyday, but I have them in my directory so I know when to avoid the call. Is this a temporary feeling of despair, probably, but I remember even when I was going to ACC in my english class writing similar feelings, and even as far back as sophmore in highschool when I was hiding a spiral notebook in my school work where I wrote about depression and despair and the fear that I got my first girlfriend pregnant, yeah she was a freak and freaky. Smoking a cigar at my work for lunch is economical its kinda like drinking in the middle of the day, because it allows you to sort of check out, but people who don't smoke don't understand so it is acceptable. I've never done any drugs outside of alcohol and smoking, if I was a social person, I probably would have met someone who knew how to get drugs, and I am confident that I would be a drug addict, so I try to keep those type of people out of my life for the sake of my own personal well-being. Yeah that's really helped me, I guess.

Since I'm new to blogging I started to search Gen X blogs, and of course I come across all the same politically correct speak on the lost generation babel, fuck the police. I love rage against the machine. It's disgusting that so many people by so many useless things for Christmas it makes me want to throw up, especially when I remember the good feelings I felt when I purchased things. Buying things was like a high, it gave me excitement and fulfillment that all my hard work was paying off, now look at me, fucking broke I made lunch today for work, 1 HEB fucking shit ass coke (diet), and 2 pieces of bread with one bologna type meat in the middle, with no mayo or mustard wrapped in foil because the foil is reusable unlock zip lock bags which are twice the price.

When you step outside of the flow of routine and capitalistic ritual it is chaos, what if you don't pay all your bills, what if you don't involve yourself in every social gathering, what if you don't have a social networking page, what if you are 3 months late on your mortgage, what if you only have 1 car, what if you don't mow your fucking lawn every weekend, what if you loose all aspirations to move up with in your company, what if no one knows your fucking name, what if you have absolutely no fucking influence on anyone around you?

I used to be the one that did everything no else wanted to do at work. Never called in, felt bad using vacation, stayed left arrived early, cleaned the refrigerator, did extra work that I was not accountable for, was innovative even when it caused me to sacrifice personal time. Fuck all that! That gets you only deeper into the routine and then finally your so overwhelmed that you have to let it all go and then you are working for the state in a dead end job that only pays you once a month. Now I use every sick day I get, I arrive early only because my wife has to drop me off, I fucking screw off on the computer with this fucking blog, I pretend to forget about today's fucking holiday bazaar or gathering or whatever, I isolate myself from fucking cubicle drama. But I still feel a need to be the best at my work?? Why?