12/15/2009 - Monday

Excuse me my phone is ringing for a creditor is trying to reach me. Okay, now back to my thought process. I am a first born, 1979 of November, raised by two wonderful parents, both did not go to college, 2 younger sisters 23 and 26..I think? Raised in a Pentecostal church, afraid of what my family would think if they read this blog, try to stay anonymous in my typing, but need background so that there is some logic to who I am and what I write. At a state job..sucks, someone said we are "Cube Monkeys." I got my B.S. degrees from UT in Biology and a M.B.A. from Saint Edwards, because I thought that is what I was suppossed to do to be, can't spell supossed, supposed, the American dream. What is it? Go to school, build a career, have a stable relationship, marriage, 2 kids, house, 2 cars. I gave up a 13 year career making $90k/year in October of 2008..yeah the economy took a nose dive. But I am smarter than most people, I am special, I am making a smart deciiosn, when should I move on to the next paragraph?

Dad, unstable, hope he does not read this, break his heart. What is poetry, how can I make money of this blog, is there anyone else out there like me, do I feel the therapy working? Tired all the time, ususlly upset and sarcastic with co-workers. Opened a franchise in 2009, continous stress---MUST BE COMPLETELY HONEST and OPEN! I invested my 401k and lost $30k, yes all of it in the market, told people I made money, did not tell my dad who thoguhyt I put it in the business. Worst decision I have ever made, am I paying the price now, my dad was a preacher minister, pastor, religion, I stopped going to Church when I was young UPC a cult in California, felt like I was mislead. My science background gave me attention to detail and understand evolution, biology and science and physical changes at the molecular/genetic level is extremely interesting. What is God, supreme being, if I don't go to Church am I a bad person, setting up my future for failure, or simply taking on the burden of the world while having a God allows others to dump it on a 3rd party? I don't know, I don't give a shit I'm 30, I got 50 years left and then its over. I working for the state in a job I hate, pouring my $2700 into the business and asking my Dad (who got me into this mess) for an extra $3000 every month in order to keep it open. I thought I would not be a failure like my Dad, but yet here I am self-important with an ego, 2 degrees, and sitting in a cubicle typing a blog on the state's dime..fuck the state job, fuck you.

Tired. I looked up anti-depressant, anti-medication but I don't have medical coverage yet. Is that the end of my story, am I done? I was home schooled until sophmore in highschool moved to Baton Rouge Lousiana from California, who thought that was a smart decision? My dad. After a year of getting beat up and look down upon I turned to education as the escape. It rained 360 days a year.. hard rain, hard black people racist. Moved to Austin, getting personal, should I continue, who would I share this with? Personal/Confidential. Junior and Senior year highschool, met and got to know 1 person. Ate lunch by myself in the bathroom stalls and isolated room in the library that required security access, I requested it so that I could be alone in the room with the one IBM green screen computer. Dated a fucking crazy girl, good sex at 15, allowed me to escape. Did okay in school, but I thought I was a genius. Did not wear grundge or fit in any clicks..its okay..who cares about them anyways. Graduated did not know anyone, girlfriend moved away. I was told must get your degree then you will have it made. Accepted to UT (close one) pride in family and worked full-time and went to school full-time, yeah I thought I was the only one. Hated life, never any sleep, found ephedra, stay up multiple days, coffee, late nights, black outs, found my wife at my job. Why am I saying all this fuck you..I blowing time.. need to get blown. I got a fucking headache. Wife just texted me, I do love her, she is the best thing I have. I love my family, I'm just not happy. Why?

No friends from school, after U.T. went to Saint Edwards to get my MBA, I thought this would make me successful, graduated make good money at my 13 year retail grocery store, afraid to name it, people will know who I am..fuck them! HEB Bitches. FUck the filters, fuck you! Was not happy at that job doing mundane things, I am better than that I am special 2 degrees to check prices talk about stupid things like symmetry of signs and colorful produce. Store manager at 28, okay 2nd store manager, so what. Bussines political speak, fun, exchange of ideas theory philospophy fun. Why a product is out of stock in the warehouse not FUN! Dad was struggling, left his job, out of work proposed opening a franchise, left my job to do that full time and no money. Living off my wife income of $26k year, that sucks. Sell everything, okay almost everything, I don't eat lunch at work still 210lbs, trying to save change for food. Dad asks is everything okay? FUCK NO its not okay, you got me into this mother fucking mess, over $500k in debt from SBA loan, franchise fucking fees, tenat rent, $30k in credit cards, Citi is sueing me, $30k in school loans, over due, claiming financial inability to pay everything, fucking 10 creditors calling me a day mulitple phone numbers, I don't answer for the phone unless they are in my directory. I do have a job. Fuck yolanda or joann who ever is sitting across from laughing at some mundane bullshit on email with your fat fucking self, shut the fuck up. Earphones in my ears with no music to block out the fucking cubicle jabber between employees talking about there stupid mundane issues with their job, fucking quit then aspire to something. Need to file for bankruptcy..when?